Why Perimenopause Breaks the Good Girl Strategy
For many women, being the ‘good girl’ has been a successful life strategy.
We were praised for being capable, reliable and empathetic. We learned to anticipate other people’s needs, to step in when something needed done, and to keep everything running smoothly. At school, at work and in our relationships, this approach often brought rewards. We were trusted and promotable. We were the ones people could depend on.
But somewhere in midlife, something begins to shift.
For many women, perimenopause is the moment when the good girl strategy stops working.
Not because we’ve suddenly become different people, but because the cost of maintaining that identity becomes too high.
When the Old Identity No Longer Fits
The traits that defined the good girl identity are often admirable ones - Competence. Integrity. Care for others. Responsibility.
The issue is not those qualities themselves.
The problem is what often grows around them: over-functioning, emotional labour, self-monitoring and the constant management of other people’s expectations.
For years, many women operate in a state of quiet accommodation. We say yes when we mean maybe, I’ll think about it. We step in before anyone asks. We smooth things over. We keep the plates spinning.
Eventually, the energy required to sustain that role becomes exhausting and perimenopause often exposes that exhaustion.
What people describe as irritability or impatience can actually be a sign that an old identity no longer fits. Something inside us begins to push back against patterns that once felt normal.
The strategy that got us here may not be the one that carries us forward.
The Midlife Reset
One of the most interesting things about this stage of life is how many women begin to reassess their direction.
Research shows that a significant number of women start businesses after the age of 40, and the number continues to rise over the age of 50. In one survey, 85% of women who launched businesses after 40 planned to grow and scale them.
This is not a story about women slowing down - it is about resetting.
Perimenopause can become a moment of pause where we step back and ask different questions. Not “How do I keep doing everything I’ve always done?” but “What do I actually want from the next stage of my life?”
For some women, this leads to career pivots. For others, it changes the dynamics of relationships, priorities or ambitions. Some return to things they once dreamed about doing but postponed.
It becomes less about obligation and more about choice.
The Permission to Rethink
One of the most important permissions women can give themselves during this time is the permission to rethink their lives.
We can easily fall into what psychologists call the sunk cost bias: continuing with something simply because we have already invested time, energy or years into it.
But midlife gifts us the experience and motivation to reflect on our lives. Not to regret the path we’ve taken, but to ask whether it still aligns with who we are now and who we want to be.
The life we have lived so far has shaped us, built our skills, our resilience and our perspective. But it does not have to dictate every decision that comes next.
At some point, many women realise that we have the opportunity to choose again.
From Good Girl to Exceptional Woman
The shift that happens in midlife is not about rejecting who we have been but is about expanding who we are allowed to become.
The good girl identity often centres on being who others need us to be. The exceptional woman, by contrast, begins to live in alignment with her own values, priorities and voice.
That shift can feel uncomfortable. It may even surprise the people around us but it also creates space for something far more authentic.
Instead of shrinking ourselves to stay palatable, we begin to show up more fully.
In full colour, not beige.
I’m so excited to have been invited by Katie Rössler to be part of Behind the Transformation: The conversations women actually need about perimenopause. This free audio summit runs from 16th to 20th March and brings together powerful, honest conversations about the realities of this phase of life. There are so many brilliant sessions to listen in to, and I know I’ll be tuning in eagerly myself. Sign up now and come join us.